Social Anxiety at University – The Most Social Setting

Throughout my life, from childhood to now, generalised and social anxiety have lived with me, at some points with more intensity than others.

When I think about my anxiety I relive the moments in my mind, even as I’m typing right now I feel like a stone is weighing down on my heart with each breath becoming thinner and thinner and my fingers becoming increasingly numb. I will take a minute to breathe and console my fearful heart ‘you are safe, you are protected, it’s not happening right now, it’s just a memory’…

When I reached university I assumed with age would come magic wisdom and control, I’d become an ‘adult’ and everything would be figured out. But those days were the hardest, the most painful…

Impending Doom:

Starting weeks before orientation day, constant, excessive distress was sewn to me and every day the sharp needle pierced in and out of my skin so when d-day finally emerged with every step I took from my house to the train station, the tube to the university, it was like tearing out each stitch one by one with my bare hands. My skin peeling, bleeding, stinging.

That morning, before I could make it to the tube station – halfway up the uphill road – I felt my heartbeat rising, little by little, and then suddenly it started running, sprinting, pounding, being chased by a sharpness forcing it to tear its way out of my body. While my skin was ripping, my stomach was flushed with hot air rushing up through my throat suffocating me and I tried, I tried to release it through breaths but suddenly I forgot what it meant to breathe properly. Unable to control my tears or my trembling hands and legs I let out an ugly shriek whilst scanning for people; do I cry or do I hide? This wave of overwhelming panic was too large for my body to carry, I had little to no strength to fight it, so I caved. Stood on that one square, concrete pavestone I discombobulated. Trying to gather myself I chanted ‘don’t cry, mascara, mascara, mascara!’ My tears tricking me paused for a few seconds before flooding out once again. That day – now distant, still horrifying.

The thought of starting again at a new place, with new people, riding the tube by myself, not knowing where I’m headed, having to say my name, all terrified me.

And this fear… it stayed with me. I pushed myself so hard but I couldn’t shake off these feelings.

Intrusive Thoughts:

Sitting amongst strangers in that hall, countless thoughts raced in my mind, circling like on a hamster wheel. Do I say something first? Do I wait for them? How should I pronounce my name, they’ll get it wrong too (I changed the pronunciation of my name years ago to avoid correcting people)? Do I look nervous? Can they see my sweat patches? Do they think my clothes are weird? Am I too ugly to talk to? Am I too lame to be associated with? Does my voice sound strange? Am I sitting awkwardly? Would I even want to be friends with me? I bet I have nothing in common with these people. They’re much smarter than me, on a different level, a level I could never reach. What’s the point of trying? It won’t work out anyway. It’s okay I just have to get through these three years by myself. Don’t stand out, don’t attract any attention, don’t be seen – that means don’t try to be force your way into a group but also you can’t look lonely by yourself – you can’t seem too happy but you can’t seem sad either. Whatever you do make sure no one approaches you.

Disruptions in Daily Life:

I feared interacting with people, I worried about their thoughts, judgements and opinions of me, I was troubled by looking anxious or lonely, I feared embarrassing myself. I endured every social setting, from the start of the day to the end, from lectures to lunches, with intense anxiety, fear and agitation. Always conscious about myself and the people around me but trying to never let this be seen. I spent hours analysing my performance, my words, actions, body language and picking out my flaws. I played out scenarios in my mind of how I could mess things up and the worst outcomes.

I kept myself to myself as much as I could. Some days, I went into university but I couldn’t bring myself to enter the lecture room. I paced back and forth the empty hall trying to convince myself to hold my breath and just enter… but I couldn’t do it. Other days, I avoided going to university altogether. Sometimes I’d be in the middle of a lecture and feel a panic attack simmering and rush out – knowing that I’d tear myself apart later because people would see and question why I suddenly left. Even whilst sitting by myself on the basement level working, I’d feel a surge of panic, fear, restlessness and I’d run out of the building to the backstreets where I could no longer keep it together. Hyperventilating and breaking down in sobs, falling to the ground as my feet could no longer hold me. I felt absolutely helpless and out of control.

Self-Help Techniques:

Some things that helped me during this time:

• Practising relaxation and breathing techniques – even when I’m not stressed, anxious or feel an attack coming.
• A better sleeping pattern helped me feel more stable and awake, thus I had more positive energy and didn’t feel like giving up on myself.
• Signing up to an online mental health community where I expressed my difficulties and experiences and talked to others in similar situations anonymously; this made me feel more understood and less alone.
• Trying to stop avoiding people and situations in small steps, starting with making eye contact with people I know and acknowledging them to choosing to sit on the upper floors instead of the basement level and approaching peers sitting alone and then in small groups.
• Writing in a journal and tracking my thoughts; highlighting my negative thoughts and self-judgements, understanding my thinking traps and challenging my automatic thoughts to see alternative explanations and positive perspectives.
• Recognising triggers that cause me to start feeling nervous, out of control or stressed.
• Practising better self-talk helped increase my confidence and the way I saw myself.

I know we will all have ups and downs, I just hope we have more good days than bad and learn to love, appreciate and help ourselves.